Relationships with people – these can also be helped by applying the abbreviations GIVE and FAST.
GIVE is how to act in such a way that will give you positive feedback from the person with whom you are interacting.
G – gentle – be kind. ”Be kind, for everybody is fighting a hard battle” said Plato. Consider the consequences of actions on others, and offer to help if you have the time and resources. Nobody ever lost good relationships from being too kind. (NOTE – ‘kind’ does NOT mean ‘doormat. Do NOT let people take you for granted.)
I – interest – show interest in what the other person is talking about. As questions – open-ended questions that require more than a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’. ‘How’ questions are good, as are ‘why’ or ‘what’. ‘What made you decide to take up skydiving as a hobby?’ (?!)
V – validate – validating the other person by making them feel that their thoughts/values/actions are fair, honest, necessary (if that is the case!) – people sometimes need reassurance, and validating can give that.
E – easy-going manner – don’t be too intense. Roll with the flow. Let the other person talk and ask prompting questions, and if they return the questions then answer them. REMEMBER YOU HAVE THE RIGHT to say if you are not comfortable to answer something, and there are ways – many ways – of doing that without causing offense. ”It’s not something I’m particularly comfortable to talk about, do you think we could move onto a different topic/discuss it at a later date? Why did the Swiss design cheese with holes in it, when they don’t have a particular Jewish tradition?”
The other skill is in handling conflict, and is FAST. It is a list of questions to ask yourself in the midst of a disagreement.
F – fair – is my stance in this argument fair, do I have valid points, or am I asking too much? If this is a longer-term debate, you might need to seek impartial external advice here.
A – (don’t) apologise – if you’re not sorry and/or you have no reason to be sorry, DO NOT APOLOGISE. Apologising without a valid reason makes your position weaker, erodes your self-worth, and means that real, genuine apologies can be taken as ‘lip service’. *
S – stick (to your beliefs) – speak and act according to your beliefs and values. Be true to yourself. This is very important when maintaining self-worth, self-respect, self-regard and self-validation. When you are true to your values, it minimises the internal conflict.
T – truth – is what you are saying/how you are acting a reflection of the true situation as you see it? Don’t over-exaggerate your point. Don’t overplay the effects a certain action may be having. Other side of the same coin, don’t say things are fine when they are not. Being honest is one of the biggest things you can do to improve things in the longer term – because people believe you! You can ask for help when things are tough without people thinking you’re asking for it for the sake of it. Similarly, the more honest you are the more likely people are to value your compliments. If you are happy to tell someone they have their head up their arse and shit in their eyes, but you choose to tell them that they have done something pretty amazing, then it will go a lot further than if you roll their shit in glitter.
* There was an incident during my inpatient stay where I told one of the Healthcare Asssistants to ‘just FUCK off’, when I was having a difficult time and I wasn’t able to make use of her support. I got taken into the office of the ward manager and was put in a position where I was expected to apologise for my verbal abuse. At the time I was still fuming mad and I said, ‘No, I’m NOT going to apologise, because right now I’m NOT fucking sorry. I will find [the HCA] later on today, when I have calmed down and become rational again and I AM sorry, and I will apologise THEN.’ When I did apologise later when I was actually really sorry and regretful I found her and said so, and also apologised for the further bad language in the ward manager’s office. She told me she appreciated my honesty and that I hadn’t trotted something out just because it was what people wanted to hear.
Grace's Musings 