Who am I to disagree?
Hi. It’s been a while. A few years condensed into a few days. A mix of nightmares, police, panic attacks, A&E visits (unwarranted, resulting from 999 calls about me) panic in general, b/p b/p b/p to stop it all rushing in, Bombay Sapphire and Schwepps slimline, failing that Gordon’s, also Jagermeister and pesky max.
”Some of them want to use you, some of them want to be used by you; some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused by you.”
I want to write but it’s so raw I feel a blockage.
I’ve not really, REALLY cried over Amy. I’m still in denial, in a way, and still too ‘switched-off’ from the use of my coping mechanisms.
I don’t know how I am going to cope, when push comes to shove.
I am financially screwed. My bank charges will be up to £80. Plus what I’m overdrawn. And yes – if I were normal, I would be able to pay them off and no more problems. I have every intention of cutting up bank card (debit card) after Amy’s funeral. Even so – I mean, when at Fat Farm, I was fucking patted down and fucking metal detected and fucking searched after every fucking 3om walk. I asked my (fab) psych after a few months of this, could they just quit with treating me like a criminal. She said no, I was too high risk, I was still self-harming etc. I said to her, has ANYTHING, EVER ONCE, been found on me? And she said, no. So I said, so does the searching of me have any actual point to it, bearing in mind it’s completely ineffective and just makes me feel like a criminal? It makes me feel like one even when I’ve done good. So – hat’s off, she said fair play – and I wasn’t searched from that point on.
Funnily enough, I actually ended up with less incidents of serious self-harm.
She was amazing, with me.
___________________
Right now – I’m in a state, where I’m given more than which I can cope. In terms of support. I have mass amounts of cushioning and, I don’t KNOW how to tolerate it.
This isn’t me, have my seed
Let me clip your dirty wings
Let me take a ride, cut yourself
Want some help to please myself
Ref: Nirvana, Polly – Nevermind (I think…)
Sometimes just music, speaks for you.
Occasionally you get the appropriate lyrics too.
Grace's Musings 
“I don’t know how I am going to cope, when push comes to shove.”
One thing that helped me was saying to myself, “How would K like to see me coping with this? Would she want me to be doing [whatever] because of what had happened?”
If she was somehow able to be looking down (and who really knows?) I knew she’d feel awful knowing I was going off on one because of what happened. But I knew she’d be pleased to see me trying to make the best of a difficult situation.
That helped me get through some tough times.
“I’ve not really, REALLY cried over Amy. I’m still in denial, in a way, and still too ‘switched-off’ from the use of my coping mechanisms.”
Is it really being in denial? Or is it being overwhelmed by the enormity of what happened.
After K died, and Dad too some years before, nothing was real for those weeks between it happening and the funeral. Whatever I was doing, it wasn’t me. It was like I was just watching myself living my life. The funeral made it suddenly very real – it was a horrible day – but somehow things felt a little easier after that. It was still hard to think about it though. Whenever I tried, it was like my mind had put up this big barrier around the whole event, and my thoughts just bounced off.
It was probably 4-6 weeks before I began to be able to think about it properly. By then the rawness had worn off a bit, making it a little easier to deal with.
Was that denial? Dunno.
I’ve heard it said that the mind keeps things from our awareness until it knows we have the resources to deal with them.
I’ll be thinking of you both tomorrow. Be strong… for Amy.
Take care,
Nigel
I an a friend of jems too that posted on your blog earlier today and i am sure between us we will be there tomorrow for you united in losing Amy xxxx so between us we should gain some strength x