Well, this weekend’s been a journey. I went back to my parents’ on the Friday – god I’d forgotten what household luxury was like. Their place is so beautiful. So much greenery, such a beautiful house. My Dad is now cool with my smoking. As in, he disapproves, but I’ve been allowed to do it on the patio on the table and bench, with a ceramic bowl. Being high has helped as I’m a lot more sociable and chatty. I spoke a lot to Dad about how things have been and how (well) I’m doing. It was really nice and I had a lovely message from him.
After not having eaten in 5 days or so I decided time to pull head out ass, and wipe shit off face. Went out for Chinese, ate masses (it was lush but not a binge) but I threw up when I got in, body rejection. Then I literally collapsed from lack of sleep and slept 15 hours.
Next day we went to my Gran’s for her baby sister’s 70th birthday. Barely anybody knew I was going to be there and as I’ve missed so so much over the past 5 years with being too fucking ill, it was a really lovely surprise for people to see me and looking relatively well. Apparently I’m still underweight but obviously I’m not emaciated which is my usual.
Hammered the Costa when there – the local petrol station to my parents’ has a Costa and so I had coolers and coolers and Monster Zero. Lush . And a chocolate twist, a giant cuzzie cream and a bacon and cheese turnover at various points. And I didn’t have to pay – result!
At Gran’s I had a slosh of Tanquerry (2-3 units) and probably a double Jack, that was it. Elderflower cordial in 7-up free is amazing as well. Didn’t do lunch, been to Costa for v late break, but tea I ate ham and salmon and pesto pasta (urgh) and dressed salad, oh and some mini sausage rolls.
Did have my struggles. Anorexia is reinhabiting as in I’m counting, and the numbers allowed are getting lower, the size is needing to go down. I’m a bit scared and pissed off, frankly, that it’s come back.
I think I’m going to see a psych. When I’m high, though it’s the best feeling in the world, I cannot concentrate enough to manage my course. Which is what I want more than anything – dragged myself through hell and the other side to get myself into uni and to actually get through my first term.
Last night I was in a state – had been mini b/p the afternoon (soup and toast stuff), really anxious but not sure why. Then I realised I needed to get out on my own for a walk in the sun, with music blaring. Totes picked up my mood (Depeche Mode) and I felt miles better. Felt pressured into having more pizza than I could handle later though and puked again, and then had a little meltdown not knowing what to do. Starve, replace, eat chips. Walked to the pub and tried to get a JP with beans and cheese but ‘last orders had gone’ and then I asked for a mocha, the ‘machine is being cleaned’. I left and cried on the side of the road.
But put on my ‘Chin up’ playlist. Dave Koz ft. Dana Glover, Start all over again. Someone very very close to my heart ‘gave’ me that song at a low low point in my life. It felt like a hug from her and very soothing. I then used my IMPROVE skills:
Imagery
Meaning
Prayer
Relaxation
One thing in the moment
Vacation
Encouragement
I – I imagined I was with framily who made me feel safe and accepted and I was warm, healthy and comfortable.
M – it was an opportunity for my to delve into my box of skills on my own with no guidance, to make my own situation better, to rely on myself and learn to trust myself
P – ”What would Liss do?” ”Please Lisa and Ka, can I have some guidance?” It did make me feel heard – especially when I found another feather.
R – all my self-soothe skills. I had some porridge and tea, a bath with a very light moisturiser, nice music, smokes, and of course my stuffies.
O – I did a ten-minute meditation following the breath by Sharon Salzberg, really calmed me down and grounded me and connected me. I felt a lot more accepting/accepted afterwards, like I was surfing the waves of emotion. Jon Kabat-Zinn said that emotions are like waves – you can’t stop them coming, but you can choose which ones to surf.
V – I put aside my responsibilities to have my bath and go to bed early, take a rest and time for myself.
E – a lot of positive self-talk. ‘I am a survivor, this will pass, I have got through this, I have a huge box of skills. I have tangible connections (Pandora charms, music) to people who make me feel safe and loved and whom I adore utterly. I can only do what I can and I am doing my best. Tomorrow is another day. I am making progress. I am making use of my skills.’
I also got to ride my Beast! Must have been 4 years since… I refused to ride in the school with stirrups, my balance is good and they were annoying me. She did some nice trot and canter circle work, and then I was tired (and eaten! BASTARD horseflies) so we went for a wander around the fields, and it was really lovely, and I’m so glad I did.
And now this morning I got up and had breakfast, a quick walk, sorted my stuff and now on the train back home. Letter to my mate Sooz written.
I think I did a good job.
Grace's Musings 